Okay,
so I feel like it's been a bazillion years since I've written a review
and I really don't know where to start. Not exactly writers block, more
like a large portion of my brain has died a rather dramatic death, and
I'm staring at this template with an air of fear usually reserved for
high school exams. Okay, maybe it's not that doom-and-gloom, but
despite the fact that I absolutely adored this movie (and I always knew
I would), I have no idea where to begin. I think I'll just wing it.
 Rockula
is the cult flick that never was. Seriously. If this movie got wider
distribution and marketing back in the day, I'm sure it would be among
cheeseball classics such as Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Rock
& Roll High School, and we'd be buying shirts from 80's Tees with
Stanley's Death Park plastered on the front. But unfortunately for all
those involved with Rockula, that never happened as the film became one
of the casualties of the collapse of Cannon/Pathe films and some
subsequent dodgy dealings. Made in 1988, but shelved until 1990, I
believe it may have had an extremely limited theatrical release, but
then went quietly to a (once again) limited video and laserdisc
release with no buzz whatsoever.
Ralph LaVie is a vampire with
a big problem. 300 years ago, he was lucky enough to meet the love of
his life, the beautiful Mona. Mona and Ralph fell in love, but as luck
would have it, Mona already had a boyfriend - a pirate with a
rhinestone peg leg (you still with me here?) who didn't take too kindly
to Ralphie moving in on his girl. So he donks her on the head with a
ham bone, and she dies without Ralph being able to save her. To make
matters worse, for his failure to save the woman he loves, fate has
cursed young Ralph to repeat the process every 22 years on Friday the
13th. He will meet Mona, they will fall in love only for her to die a
few days later at the hands of a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg
weilding a ham bone. Fast forward to the present, where Ralph is
determined to break the curse by having absolutely no part of it and
staying home. But it doesn't take much goading on the part of his
sarcastic doppelganger who is trapped in the mirror for him to head
out, and wouldn't you know it? Mona hits him with her car.
 Ralph
pretty much high tails it out of there straight away, but not without
first making an impression on Mona. Ralph still believes that the best
course of action is to stick his head in the sand, but his mother
Phoebe (Toni Basil) tells him that whether he likes it or not, she's
going to die in a few days unless he does something. Realising she is
right, Ralph decides to find her. After spending the day scouring LA
for any hint of her or her band, he finally stumbles across a flier for
her show that evening at Club Hell. He manages to talk to her, but in
trying to impress her he tells her that he's in a band. Ralph is
musically inclined, but he definitely doesn't have a band however after
rounding up his artistic friends at the local bar (including Bo Diddley
and Susan Tyrell), Rockula is born!
 Ralph
leaves a flier at Mona's house, knowing that she will come to see his
band, who end up being a huge success. Mona is drawn to Ralph, but
can't figure out why. As Ralph and Mona begin to spend more time
together it becomes clear that Mona's manager and operator of the local
coffin emporium, Stanley will prove to be a very big problem. He's also
in love with Mona, and his psychic Madame Benoit has not only informed
him of his competition with Ralph, but also that he is a vampire!
Madame Benoit tells Stanley that in order to save Mona, he must kill
her...provided he does it with a ham bone while dressed as a pirate
with a rhinestone peg leg...the plot thickens!
Ralph is struggling for a way to tell Mona the truth about who they
both are, and an evening with his mother doesn't do much to help the
cause, leaving Mona very confused. Ralph finally confesses the truth to
her, turning himself into a bat as proof, which understandably freaks
her out. Confused and upset, the pair mope in their bedrooms for a few
days (via a montage of course), until Mona decides she's had enough and
packs her stuff and heads for the airport. She doesn't get far before
realising that vampire or not, she loves Ralph and goes back to Club
Hell's Halloween party to face her destiny.
 Ralph
is relieved when Mona finally appears, but their troubles are far from
over. Stanley has dressed as a pirate for Halloween, and there is a
conspicuous amount of ham sandwiches in the backstage area. At the
urging of the very familar looking Madame Benoit, Stanley kidnaps Mona
and attempts to kill her so he can cryogenically freeze her forever,
and Ralph realises it's time to finally bring the curse to an end.
This movie really is the epitome of quirky, with not only the ever
awesome Dean Cameron, but Thomas Dolby, Susan Tyrell, Bo Diddley and
Toni Basil!! What more could the cult film enthusiast possibly look
for? I also must give a mention to Tawny Fere, who is really very
beautiful and it's a shame she didn't do more stuff.
It's got catchy musical numbers (including one from Thomas Dolby that
ended up on the cutting room floor), great actors and plenty of scenes
that make you ask the question, "Wait, did that just happen?". Why
Rockula wasn't a massive hit is something I will probably never know.
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Year:
1990
