 In
yet another reference point to
my life being nothing but a series of strange co-incidences one after
the other, after complaining that Ant Music was one of the most asinine
songs ever written on Saturday night, I caught Love Bites on the Comedy
Channel on Sunday Night. I watched the whole movie without realising
that Zachary Simms and Adam Ant were indeed one and the same, and only
when the credits rolled was I able to squint, turn my head sideways and
make the connection. Instead I spent the entire movie wondering how a
cop with two scenes got close to top billing. The only person I even
came close to recognising throughout the entire movie was Julie Strain
as the jogger and that was a stretch because she hadn't even had her
boobs done yet.
Love Bites centres around a vampire named Zachary Simms who wakes up
from his 100 year slumber to discover that its now 1992 and the house
adjoining his crypt has been purchased by a woman named Kendall who
thinks he's a sex offender when he tries to do his vampire thing and bite her. An ass-kicking
ensues from a karate kicking Kendall, and all the while Zachary is trying to convince her that he
is indeed a bloodsucker and not a pervert. Before long, its sunrise and
Zachary falls asleep in Kendall's bed. After trying to wake him and
realising he is ice cold and without a pulse, Kendall begins to believe
that there might be some truth to his claims.
She investgates his story of the crypt behind the fireplace and finds a
coffin trapped under layers of dust and cobwebs. Around this time
Kendall's annoying boyfriend Dwight arrives and attempts to get up
close and personal with Zachary, thinking it is Kendall because he's
covered up in her bed. After discovering a strange man in his girlfriend's bed,
Dwight jumps to all sorts of conclusions about Kendall and after a big argument she throws
him out.
By the time Zachary wakes up, in a strange turn of events, Kendall has a change
of heart and decides to spend some time with him hearing his stories of
past centuries and teaching him about the 20th century. After attending
a party with Kendall, Zachary decides that he doesn't want to be a
vampire anymore and he needs Kendalls help to rehumanise himself. It's
a year long process where he has to kickstart his digestive process and
begin to eat food again. She agrees to help him and the pair start
spending all their time together and eventually fall in love.
Dwight hires a private investigator to try and dig up some dirt on
Zachary to win Kendall back and when Nerissa, the vampire who bit
Zachary 300 years ago turns up looking for him, things start to get
really complicated. Dwight decides that it's best to keep his enemies
close so he hires Zachary to work for him at his insurance company, but
it isn't long before Zachary takes over Dwight's firm and begins to
turn into everything Kendall doesn't want. Dwight's private
investigator discovers that Zachary is a vampire, but Dwight doesn't
believe him, and only a visit to Nerissa changes his mind.
Zachary is now only one day away from becoming human again, but he's
become a fast talking self absorbed businessman. Kendall tells him he
was more human as a vampire and asks him to let Nerissa bite him again.
Zachary has worked hard for a year to re-humanise himself and now has a
career and a real life again. But will he give it all up for Kendall?
This movie was cute and I liked it, but I really did think that Dwight
and Nerissa's characters were a little too hot and cold. They weren't
outright bad, but you couldn't say they were good either. Very
confusing. There were no real antagonists. But on the plus side it was
extremely cute and well acted. It appears to have translated well from
the play it was based on. I didn't realise either until I looked this
movie up on IMDB that Kimberly Foster (Kendall) was also Cookie in One
Crazy Summer. She's gorgeous, it's a shame she didn't do more cheesy
comedies.
Copies of this movie are rarer than hens teeth and it seems to have
somewhat of a cult following yet no DVD release. It's a shame, I've
seen far worse movies go to DVD and would really like to see a release
for this one. I'm a sucker for comedy vampire flicks (no pun
intended...ok, maybe there is a pun intended) and it's always nice to
find one I haven't seen before.
And the moral of todays story is: Vampirism can be cured by pizza. Or perhaps it's: Adam Ant acts better than he writes songs.
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Year: 1993
