JP Shelldrake's film company raised a profit of 14.7 million dollars in the last financial year, but in doing so, owes the tax office 3 million dollars. The profits have since been spent on luxury yachts and ex-wives so JP's accountant informs him that the only way to get out of hot water is to report a tax loss for the current financial year, which ends in only six days. They need a film that will lose money, and they need it fast!

Stevie Horowitz is a young filmmaker who has just completed his first film: Lobster Man from Mars, and happens to be in the right place at the right time. JP Horowitz, in dire need of a stinker, agrees to look at his film. And so the film within a film, Lobster Man from Mars begins.

Mars is running out of air, and the King orders the Lobster Man to go to earth and steal earth's air supply for the inhabitants of Mars. Lobster Man at first refuses to go, but when told that he will be able to eat whatever, or whoever he wants he agrees to take the trip. Meanwhile on Earth, a young couple are driving along a deserted road completely unaware of the fate that awaits them.

Before their very eyes, a UFO hurtles across the sky overhead. Thinking it may be a plane crash, the two head off to see if there are any survivors. When they get to the site where the craft went down, they discover a cave. Upon looking inside they see a giant spaceship. They take photos and head off. Little do they know that Lobster Man climbed into their boot while they were in the cave.

They pull in at the Diner to make a phone call to Uncle Freddie, who just happens to be an expert on extra terrestrials. When they are unable to get through to Uncle Freddie, they call "The Authorities". They are then told by an army officer that there is no such thing and he hangs up on them and calls the pentagon straight away to look into the claims of the two kids. In the diner, an extremely annoying PI overhears their call and sets off on his own case.

The kids set off to go see uncle Freddie when they blow a tire. They pull in at a service station and get the tire changed by the attendant and drop in to the motel to get their film developed. When the attendant opens the trunk he is attacked by the Lobster Man, or rather impregnated by him (eww) as later on, baby lobster men burst from his stomach and fly away. yes I said fly away. These baby lobster have sharp teeth, are bright green and attack promiscuous women who despite this film being set in the 50's have decidedly 80's haircuts and clothes. Lobster Man also drops in at the diner where the kids made the call and eats the locals, sparking an investigation into this strange phenomena.

(Dear god, there's still more, this film is so painful to watch).

After picking up their car from the gas station attendant who is now under Lobster Man's control, they kids set off again, only to lose control of their car which locks the doors and windows and starts driving itself leading them to a strange destination.

(I'm not gonna fast forward. I'm not gonna fast forward. I can do this)

There the young people meet the lobster man, and an ape in a green crash helmet. The ape chases them and they get away. They finally reach Uncle Freddie who shows them a video on Lobsters featuring twin chefs who aren't really twins.

Meanwhile Lobster Man is off terrorising young girls in towels and clowns.

Uncle Freddie is worried about how to stop the Lobster Man so he calls the authorities. There he learns that Col. Arkrum has left with only a small group to visit the crash site. At the crash site Arkrum is ambushed by the baby lobsters who are now covered with fur. He kills one and takes it to Uncle Freddie. Freddie invites Skipper Bruce, the greatest Lobster fisherman in the land to help when the supposedly dead baby lobster revives itself and terrorises them all. Mary then returns with the tea that she made for John and Uncle Freddie, sees the Lobster flying around and drops the tea, covering it with boiling water. It then melts.

Once again they send Mary back to the kitchen to make more tea and not worry her pretty little head with Man-talk of Martians. With Mary gone, the men discuss how to trap the Lobster Man and cover it with boiling water. they plan a trip to the haunted house hot springs and lure the Lobster Man there. One of the babies that was lurking outside overhears and returns to tell the Lobster Man of their plans. Oh wait, turns out we have just just been told its a space bat. My bad.

John, Mary and Uncle Freddie arrive at the haunted house which is owned by a midget. Mary sees eyes moving in the painting in the living room. Then the PI shows up again, Ugh. John, Mary and Uncle Freddie hold a séance with the midget for some reason (I'm starting to wonder if I am missing stuff or if I am just not paying attention). The Lobster Man then shows up. AND THEN THE FILM BURNS UP! YAY!

Oh great they got it working again. The Military is going to blow up the haunted house in fourteen minutes. What the hell is going on here? The Lobster man and the ape in the crash helmet are chasing them around the house. Then there's only three minutes till the military launch their attack. Mary is stuck in the house when the military blow it up. John cries like a bitch. (15 minutes left!)

They find lobster tracks (?) leading away from the site where the house once stood. (Hey where did the midget and the butler go? Maybe they died and I missed it...) They conclude that if the Lobster Man lives then Mary may as well.

The Lobster Man is in fact alive (lets party.) and has Mary tied up in a cave. After some pleading he lets Mary down from her bonds and tells her the story of his homeland being invaded by the bunny men from Neptune who destroyed his home. He explains he just wants to live in a cave on earth the rest of his life. He sets her free. Lobster Man figures that she will bring back the others and they can have a last feast before the professor (the ape apparently) connects the air stealing device and they go back to mars.

The Lobster Man gets tired of waiting for them and attacks them outside the cave. They run off and The Lobster man and the ape steal their car and chase them. The group find a Jeep and commandeer it and the chase leads into Yellowstone park. They spray the ape with hot water and he melts. The Colonel and Uncle Freddie then run away and the Lobster Man chases Mary. John tries to save her by luring him into old faithful geyser. The nest eruption is scheduled to take place at 4:37. Johns watch reads 4:36. However throughout the whole movie we have been told that Johns watch is broken and keeps stopping at 4:36. Looks like he fucked up!

Then the Lobster Man shoots John and through the wonders of clay-mation and stop frame animation we can see the flesh melt from his face very horribly and cheaply. Oh dear kill me please I'm going to poke my eye out with a fork.

Mary tells the Lobster Man to come get her and lures him over Old Faithful. The "geyser" erupts and melts the monster man. Its over! And after a monologue from the most annoying character in the film, with the Lobster Man dead, all his victims return to life again.

JP Shelldrake buys the film thinking it sucks (oh dear god is he ever right) and it turns out to be the biggest opener that the company has ever had (in some retarded alternate universe). The movie makes a huge profit and JP Shelldrake is hauled off to jail for tax fraud, leaving Stevie Horowitz to take over his position as CEO and to bone his secretary. Oh yay for happy endings.

You may wonder why I have gone into such detail reviewing this film. I look at it as a public service. Now you NEVER EVER have to sit through it yourself. I'm off to go commit suicide.