I've been sitting here for about ten minutes trying to figure out how I am going to turn the phrase "This Film is Utterly Useless and Therefore Great" into about a thousand words. In fact, I'm not even sure why I am trying to review this movie - it's not even really a movie, but rather an hour long boobie fest with some corny jokes, clips from other films and aerobicising zombies. No, really. That's what it is.

I really love Linnea Quigley, and I guess that goes without saying if I went to the trouble of buying and reviewing her workout tape. I believe she is the Queen among Scream Queens. I don't think I have ever seen her in a role where she doesn't get her kit of or get killed (or both), and as a horror and B-Movie fan, I can honestly say that's what I'm lookin for in a woman. If I weren't a woman myself, that is. 

Our story (well, sort of a story,) begins with Linnea taking a shower. I don't know why one would take a shower before a workout as opposed to after it, but I digress, we get to see her chesticles. Even though we have all seen them before. Then, Linnea sprawls out in front in front of a fire to tell us all about the hardships and perils of being a Scream Queen while showing us clips of all her favourite roles. The clips seem to be mostly Creepazoids and Nightmare Sisters, with some Vice Academy thrown in - I don't think that they were able to obtain the rights to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers or Return of the Living Dead.

Linnea then decides to begin her workout, stating that you should make sure that you wear comfortable clothes when you work out, even though she is wearing fishnets and a metal bra, but hey - we wouldn't want to see Linnea work out in a daggy sweatsuit would we? I must add here that this is in no way an conventional workout video of the instructional variety. Linnea spends most of her time doing side to side stretches while doing the splits. Occasionally, she receives dirty phone calls. From who? I have no idea. 

Then Linnea decides to go for a run past the old cemetery, where coincidentally, zombies are waking up. They chase her, but she decides to sort them out drill sergeant style - telling them they are a sorry lot and she's never seen such flabby zombies. Before long, Linnea and a group of zombies are engaging in an aerobics session by the pool which of course leads to an impromptu pool party.

As if that wasn't enough fun for one day, Linnea then decides to invite some friends over (Bambi, Missy, etc etc) to watch some of her movies. After pillow fighting in their lingerie they also decide for no apparent reason that they are all in need of a workout. But then someone cuts the lights and in good horror movie tradition the girls split up and are picked off one by one by a strange masked killer.

After the feature we are advised to look out for Linnea's next instructional video - Cooking with Linnea! I bet that would have been awesome.

Looking back, I'd say that was probably the weirdest sixty minutes of my life. It's just so stupid you all have to see it. I'd like to thank the good folks at True Gore Video for making this review possible. Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout is long out of print and I would have not been able to find it any other way!

Nowhere near 1000 words, I know. But still! A review nonetheless!