COMMANDO is, and forever will be, the definitive action movie. The only movies that can compete with this are other movies from the 80s, with none really coming that close. Some might argue the Rambo films are better, and some might argue other action movies like... well I don't know, and I don't care, because you are wrong and so are they. Commando, made in the middle of the golden (80s) era of film making, it is the best action movie of all time, I’ll attempt to explain why.

Does anyone remember my NO Retreat NO Surrender 2: Raging Thunder review a couple months back? In it, I detailed my dream about wanting to be Scott, how I wanted to kick ass in Asia and save the girl. Well, that was Kenji, AFTER he saw Career Opportunities. So... BEFORE he knew what he would do with Jennifer Connelly stuck overnight in a target superstore, Kenji wanted to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, more accurately, John Matrix. In my mind, the worlds coolest, baddest, strongest, most awesome ass kicking guy/father in the world.

HEY! I didn't know that log was made of foam, I thought it was a real tree log!!

Where I want to live. With Alyssa Milano

You see, the now retired killer, CAN love. Love to kill Bambi that is.

Right now I’ll go ahead and make a point of saying how much this movie influenced me as a child. Lets make no mistakes here, after seeing this movie, I really did think war and guns and camo paint, were AWESOME and I wanted to be a soldier and shoot at people whist being shot at. I genuinely wanted to be a hulking ex soldier living in a remote mountain cabin, with his daughter. Strangely the absence of the mother is not mentioned, and I of course didn't think anything of it. Who needs a mom when daddy can kill with his breath? What is interesting though is the idea of living in the mountains in a log cabin is still very appealing to me. Rifle shed or not.

So what’s Commando about? Some South American dictator type wants John to do one last job for him, and knows John won't do it without incentive. This isn't Oscar material, there is no twist and no spoilers... so before you read any further, you need to realize that while i may be "spoiling" some parts of this movie, and there really isn't anything to spoil... The entire plot line is set up within the FIRST 5 minutes, and the rest of the film is just... well... it’s called Commando.

Being the super soldier that he is, a slight change in wind means...

I can smell.....

Death!

I've got to get to my rifle shed!

PIN: 69 DUDE!

When I saw this electronically locked door inside his regular looking shed... I was in heaven - secret weapons stash!

What is so awesome about Commando?
I could list them but that’s just boring. Commando is awesome, because there isn't a single frame of CGI anywhere. At all. NOT a single frame. NONE. Commando is awesome because the story is completely impossible, and is pretty much an accurate portrayal of what would happen to someone, if they made the mistake of kidnapping my a Commandos daughter. All fucking hell would break lose. Commando is awesome because of the STUNTS! Holy shit the stunts... There needs to be a school in Hollywood somewhere for up-and-coming action movie directors, where the course consists of nothing but the looped playback of Commando on a jumbo screen. Even the start of the movie treats us with a ball breaking car 'chase' down a mountain and practically through the bush and trees on it.

Commando is awesome because at no point does the hero drive a Lamborghini out the back of an airborne upside down helicopter, power drift down the side of a skyscraper, then back flip out of it, deploying an impossibly packed parachute, sailing safely to the ground whilst blazing from the hip with two infinitely charged miniguns. While wearing Oakley’s and smoking a cigarette. Commando is awesome because of the sheer number of onscreen deaths through direct action of our man John matrix. 88 to be exact, and that’s a lot if you think about it. Eighty eight people, EIGTHY EIGHT.

Reach 88 deaths per hour and go back to the future.

Why is Commando awesome? Well, in the intro I talked about other contenders for the crown, and here I’ll explain why *I* think it’s the king of killers. Let’s take Rambo and its sequels for example... John Rambo is fighting for POWs, for freedom and for his country. That’s great right? I'm all for freedom and for my country, but... they aren't really his fight... nothing is personal... you can argue it, but when you compare it to someone kidnapping your baby girl... well shit... that changes everything, doesn't it? When someone kidnaps your son/daughter/mother/postman it’s just became personal and the rules go out the window, or in this case, the rules get strapped with C4 and placed under a truck. Filled with enemy soldiers. Who are all eating vanilla ice cream. My point? You just *don't* kidnap daughters of Commandos, no mater how annoying they are on that TV show who’s the Boss?

 Commando is awesome because simply, it is the heart warming and hilarious [true] tale of one father’s determination to kill, explode and SHOOOOOT the shit out of anyone involved in kidnapping his daughter. John Matrix’s' definition of being involved? Anyone, and everyone, everywhere, at all times, JUST to be sure, because you never know.

I can sit around and talk about how cool it all is, but it doesn't properly describe what its REALLY like watching a young, agile and freakingly large Arnold sprint around an remote island mansion, armed with a Valmet M78 (looks like Ak47 but bigger) an Uzi, .50 cal Desert Eagle and a pump-action boom stick. Not to mention the rocket launcher. You cannot beat it. It’s unbeatable. There is no other, there is no equal, there is no one else. When I see these new 'action' movies today, I ask the same questions; where is the scene where the star rips a phone booth (complete with occupant) from the wall and throws it? Where is the scene where the hero drives a construction vehicle through the front of a gun store, so he can go "Shopping"? Where are they? In place, we get movies like... like... well... we don't get movies like Commando anymore... well no thats actually not accurate, there has NEVER been another movie like Commando. Attempts have been made and failed *cough* True Lies *cough* not even Arnie himself can top it.

==============#1
NOW, that I’ve just ranted about my favourite movie of all time, I feel obligated to bring up two... little... problems... about Commando, one is the end boss, or villain... you know, the guy the hero fights at the end right? Well, even with all of its explosively bloody glory, the movie maker’s committed commercial suicide before the film was even released. They cast this guy (below) as the bad guy, the guy John matrix goes head to head with in the climatic final fight between good and evil.

Vernon Wells

Casting a flabby, unfit, non-buff, pale, chain link vest wearing Vernon Wells as Bennet, was possibly, and is to this day, the worst casting decision ever made. These two are such polar opposites that one is FORCED to imagine any number of ridiculous and possibly accidental events that lead to Wells being cast as the villain. It’s ludicrous.

They though a suitable opponent for someone so visually menacing:

Would be:

Possibly one of the reasons this movie isn't held upside down by its ankles and spanked like an immigrant detainee is the fact that Bennet is BARELY seen throughout the movie. A no point does he lift a finger in any way shape or form. The "fight" between Bennet and Matrix, is the END of the movie, and by that I mean, everyone else is dead. And when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE; all that is left is the anticlimatic fight scene that lasts all of 3 mins. Like I said, I would not be surprised if someone came out sometime and said "Oh yeah Wells was mistaken for someone else but we drew the contracts up they were final" sort of thing... you know? Sorta like... "Well... we're here now, and we can't go back... lets just see what we can do cause its ALL we have"

The two pics above are from the same scene, both are facing off via sharp spoons, and Arnold delivers in my opinion, his BEST EVER line from ALL of his films, and again in my opinion one of the most vicious and cold blooded "killer" lines, ever.

AS MUCH as I want to, I cannot bring myself to type the line... i want to, but in case someone has Commando lying around at home and can't think of the line, i encourage you watch the movie, and look at Arnolds face when he delivers the immortal line. The first time I saw it, I realized what kind of person you would have to be to say something like he does.

==============#2
The other "small" problem is the mistakes. The excruciatingly obvious mistakes left in the final cut of the film. Mistakes so blatant, that you could honestly argue that they were intentional. OR Stevie Wonder worked uncredited as the technical adviser on this film. Anyone who knows this movie, and knows it cult status, will know exactly what I am talking about. They are almost countless. At the same time, they are actually enjoyable to see, which I know sounds stupid... maybe you'll see what I mean.

Here, John has just plucked a grenade from his vest and is about to lob it.

No explosion, but the soldiers are already on the way out..

And now, whats wrong with this picture?

Commando [1985] by Kenji Urban

Come on Bennet, LETS PARTY.