I haven't written a review in
about nine months, and I've probably picked a crap way to start with one
for Battlestar Galactica. Known better as a TV show in the late
seventies, this film served as the pilot and basically tells everyone
what the fuck is going on. Not to be confused with the new version of
Battlestar Galactica, which from what I have heard is a badly written
sci-fi show about gettin it on and gender swapping.
I normally would steer clear of this kind of review - Lets just say I
don't want a thousand emails from rabid fans because I got some
characters confused or misdiagnosed a key plot aspect. But today, I have
decided not to care, and since its the only thing I have watched in the
last 24 hours, its all you're gonna get.
Somewhere, deep in space, a bunch of old guys are having a dinner party
discussing the future of the human race. They've been at war for way too
long with an evil shiny robotic race known as the Cylons and they have
finally managed to work towards a truce. The humans have colonies on
twelve planets (funnily enough named after astrological star signs), and
each planet has their own corresponding Battlestar (which basically just
means Big Ship). The old guys at the dinner party are the commanders of
these twelve ships so all the Battlestars are in the one place at the
one time, and not protecting their home planets (doesn't anyone else see this
as a problem?). As expected, the truce with the Cylons was a farce and
they attack all the unprotected colonies, destroying them all. They also
manage to destroy all the Battlestars except one. The Galactica.
The Galactica heads down to its home planet Caprica to help defend but
arrives too late. The human race is slaughtered with only handfuls of
each colony left to survive. It's total death and destruction. Commander
Adama of the Galactica urges all survivors to get in any ship they can
find, no matter how crappy, pack some space food sticks and follow the
Galactica to find a new home. A mysterious thirteenth colony of humans
known as ... wait for it ... Earth!!
Now would probably be a good time to discuss characters. Commander Adama
is in charge of the Galactica and has three children, Apollo, a Viper
pilot, Athena, an operator of some sort, and Zack - he's not around long
enough for you to know what his position is. Apollo is Captain of the
Viper squadron, but his squadron usually only consists of Boomer, your
straight up no nonsense pilot who can still have a little fun and
Starbuck, Galactica's cigar smoking, card playing playboy. Starbuck has
a thing for Apollo's sister Athena, but because her brother and mother
are dead, she doesn't want to get close to anyone - which she tells him
naked from behind a door. Starbuck isn't too fussed so he picks up "socialator"
aka prostitute Cassiopeia, who he's sure won't hide behind a door naked
(and whose character magically turns into a medic in the series)
resulting in much jealous shenanigans from both Athena and Cassiopeia
when he tries to play them both. Apollo is not without a woman though
either. He picks up sexy bra-less Jane Seymour, one of the survivors
from Caprica and somewhere in between the one hour mark and the one hour
ten minute mark, they decide they are a couple (and are married by the
first episode - things sure happen fast in space). She has a six year
old son. No idea who the father is, but apparently it's Apollo now.
Soon, disaster strikes the fleet as there is a food shortage, but it
turns out some rich fat guy was just hogging it all. But uh oh! Now
there's land mines in the sky, well I guess they aren't land mines
then, but Apollo, Starbuck and Boomer have to go blow them up with no
sensors. Soon they reach their destination planet inhabited by weird
insect creatures and a casino where you can't lose. Following this?
Okay good. The people are happy because they have lots of food and
booze and showtunes. But Commander Adama smells a rat, or rather a
robot.
The fat guy that was hogging all the food proposes that they all destroy
their ships and weapons and live at the Casino in peace. He thinks this
will show the Cylons that they do not wish to fight. He organises a big
ceremony for Apollo, Boomer and Starbuck for their heroics and plans to
pitch his idea to the people when they are drunk and happy. Adama thinks
his idea sucks and realises that if all the pilots are at the ceremony,
the Galactica will be unprotected. He hatches a plan with Colonel Ty to
put other crew members in pilot uniforms and keep the real pilots on the
ship so no one will notice missing pilots from the ceremony. Meanwhile,
after arguing with Athena about who gets to go make out with Starbuck,
Cassiopeia finds herself in the lower levels of the Casino being fed to
giant insects. Oh no! They aren't friendly after all. Jane Seymours son
Boxey goes down there chasing his robot dog, so of course Apollo plays the
hero where they find out that the Cylons have lured them into a trap!
Luckily, the pilots are on board the Galactica and not at the party so
crisis is averted! The planet is blown up and the Galactica and its
fleet head off once more in search of Earth.
I like this movie and this series, but I don't recommend watching the
"Remembering Battlestar Galactica" Documentary. Dirk Benedict although
awesome as Starbuck comes across as kinda creepy and perverted, and it's
clear that Richard Hatch (Apollo) may have been stalking Jane Seymour in
real life. She's married to Commander Halik from Moving Violations. Now
THAT is creepy. I'd also just like to add that for some reason, in the
Cylon fighter ships, it looks like they have horizontal blinds. I find
that notion hysterical.
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Year:
1978
